Darwin Be Praised! Mythical Beasties.

Fantasy hasn't pulled many punches when it comes to things we wish were real. Magic, spirits, Rivendell, unicorns, Liv Tyler; the list goes on. While fireballs and winguardium leviosa and such are probably first when we think of good fantasy concepts, griffins and bigfeet might come next.

The tradition of inventing new creatures is obviously a long one. Because life would suck if we weren't all trying to one-up each other, tales of tigers and bears and sharks got old a long time ago. At first, we just tried to make real beasts bigger, a la the Lion of Nemea, Jonah's whale, or the Big Bad Wolf. Things got more fun when people came up with ogres, dragons, and chupacabras, though.

What really separates the 'magic' and 'mythical beast' categories for me is the intent behind the inventions. While there are certainly exceptions, magic usually seems to be there as a source for making the story end happily ever after, whereas the beasties are there to scare our bowels clean. For every benign fairy or genie, there's a cockatrice, a beholder, and a jabberwocky to make sure the scales always lean towards dirty underwear.

The power behind these campfire creations is pretty undeniable. It's why so much reality TV involves hunting for things that aren't real; some of us want these abominations to be true so badly that we keep the real monsters (looking ANGRILY at you, Finding Bigfoot and Ghost Hunters) in business. We've all been there; I remember being simultaneously fascinated and terrified of the Thunderbird folklore and scanning the skies of Delta for them. Thanks for getting that out of the way before I turned eight, Delta North Elementary School librarian.

The hipster/one-upsman part of me wants to make original monsters for Arbiter just for the sake of being able to claim originality. The pragmatic part of me wants to make original monsters so I can capitalize on people's phobias (irrational fears, on the off chance you needed a reminder). I'm gonna indulge both these parts and more, so why don't you guys help me along, too?

I want to compile a list of common phobias and make monsters to embody them. Yeah, I know, sounds completely sadistic, right? Does it make it any better when I say we can have characters overcome these schadenfreudian abberations and thereby maybe help people overcome their own fears? Yeah, probably not. Oh well, let's indulge in our sadistic sides!

What might an aichmophobia (fear of sharp objects) monster look like? Is there a way to make an anginaphobia (fear of choking) monster without venturing into Japanese erotica territory? To get more challenging by going abstract, how might you make a monster that embodies someone's hypochonria (fear of disease)? The idea is that most people have images in their mind that evoke these fears, and that we can make more interesting organisms by harnessing those images into living creatures. Even if most people don't possess these phobias, maybe we can help the majority understand the minority if a normal person is introduced to the mental image that scares the guy with the phobia.

Plus, I think such variety in monsters can help us create some great Captain Ahab-style characters. Take the old Loch Ness Monster, for instance. Where would we be if the Demoman hadn't lost his eye trying to kill Nessie?

Not in any world I'd want to live in, that's for sure.

So help me out; if memory serves, this will be the first time I've ever asked such a favor. Think you can make a monster? Try and describe (or, if you're so inclined, illustrate for us!) a mythical beast that embodies something more abstract (it doesn't have to be a phobia, it can be 'love' or something gay like that, too!). Go further into the nerdy depths: describe its habitat or hunting grounds, diet, or the sadistic way in which it stalks and kills its prey!

Ideally, I want a rich and enormous environment, so crowdsourcing this sort of thing seems like a genius way to make it richer. C'mon now, volunteer to be the chimps for my room full of typewriters. Let's make ourselves a bestiary!