Darwin Be Praised! Mythical Beasties.

Fantasy hasn't pulled many punches when it comes to things we wish were real. Magic, spirits, Rivendell, unicorns, Liv Tyler; the list goes on. While fireballs and winguardium leviosa and such are probably first when we think of good fantasy concepts, griffins and bigfeet might come next.

The tradition of inventing new creatures is obviously a long one. Because life would suck if we weren't all trying to one-up each other, tales of tigers and bears and sharks got old a long time ago. At first, we just tried to make real beasts bigger, a la the Lion of Nemea, Jonah's whale, or the Big Bad Wolf. Things got more fun when people came up with ogres, dragons, and chupacabras, though.

What really separates the 'magic' and 'mythical beast' categories for me is the intent behind the inventions. While there are certainly exceptions, magic usually seems to be there as a source for making the story end happily ever after, whereas the beasties are there to scare our bowels clean. For every benign fairy or genie, there's a cockatrice, a beholder, and a jabberwocky to make sure the scales always lean towards dirty underwear.

The power behind these campfire creations is pretty undeniable. It's why so much reality TV involves hunting for things that aren't real; some of us want these abominations to be true so badly that we keep the real monsters (looking ANGRILY at you, Finding Bigfoot and Ghost Hunters) in business. We've all been there; I remember being simultaneously fascinated and terrified of the Thunderbird folklore and scanning the skies of Delta for them. Thanks for getting that out of the way before I turned eight, Delta North Elementary School librarian.

The hipster/one-upsman part of me wants to make original monsters for Arbiter just for the sake of being able to claim originality. The pragmatic part of me wants to make original monsters so I can capitalize on people's phobias (irrational fears, on the off chance you needed a reminder). I'm gonna indulge both these parts and more, so why don't you guys help me along, too?

I want to compile a list of common phobias and make monsters to embody them. Yeah, I know, sounds completely sadistic, right? Does it make it any better when I say we can have characters overcome these schadenfreudian abberations and thereby maybe help people overcome their own fears? Yeah, probably not. Oh well, let's indulge in our sadistic sides!

What might an aichmophobia (fear of sharp objects) monster look like? Is there a way to make an anginaphobia (fear of choking) monster without venturing into Japanese erotica territory? To get more challenging by going abstract, how might you make a monster that embodies someone's hypochonria (fear of disease)? The idea is that most people have images in their mind that evoke these fears, and that we can make more interesting organisms by harnessing those images into living creatures. Even if most people don't possess these phobias, maybe we can help the majority understand the minority if a normal person is introduced to the mental image that scares the guy with the phobia.

Plus, I think such variety in monsters can help us create some great Captain Ahab-style characters. Take the old Loch Ness Monster, for instance. Where would we be if the Demoman hadn't lost his eye trying to kill Nessie?

Not in any world I'd want to live in, that's for sure.

So help me out; if memory serves, this will be the first time I've ever asked such a favor. Think you can make a monster? Try and describe (or, if you're so inclined, illustrate for us!) a mythical beast that embodies something more abstract (it doesn't have to be a phobia, it can be 'love' or something gay like that, too!). Go further into the nerdy depths: describe its habitat or hunting grounds, diet, or the sadistic way in which it stalks and kills its prey!

Ideally, I want a rich and enormous environment, so crowdsourcing this sort of thing seems like a genius way to make it richer. C'mon now, volunteer to be the chimps for my room full of typewriters. Let's make ourselves a bestiary!

Mary Sue Gets Around (If You Know What I Mean)

First, I should clarify. "Mary Sue" is a literary concept; here's a definition that I can't add much to. I'll try, though: through a correlation with the 'unrealistic consequences' of a Mary Sue character or story, Mary Sues are usually based on the author or people within the author's life. To simplify it even further, Mary Sues always win and because they always win, writers insert ourselves into the story because WE want to always win.

Some (in)famous examples are Bella from Twilight, Superman, Wesley Crusher in Star Trek: The Next Generation, James Bond, and Bella from Twilight again. Seriously, Bella's editor-in-chief of the official Mary Sue magazine. Well, she would be, if I hadn't just made it up.

It's so not fair that Bella tops the list, but she so does. Look, it wasn't my idea, blame Google!

It isn't difficult to imagine why people would create Mary Sue fiction; we all have our fantasies, and writing Mary Sue provides us with an outlet. It isn't difficult to comprehend what makes some Mary Sue fiction successful; if an author creates a story around a fantasy that lots of people share, then those people all have an outlet! It also isn't difficult to understand why people hate on Mary Sue; if you can't relate to a specific Mary Sue, then we have a knee-jerk 'oh, grow up!' reaction to all the people who love to watch Bella's dreams come true.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is: Mary Sue isn't difficult. In fact, she's kind of easy! (hey-oh)

Let's face it, without Mary Sue, we wouldn't have an industry. Fast and Furious grosses higher than There Will Be Blood for a reason, a reason involving fast driving and hottie-bangin'. By NOT exploring shallow characters, we can easily switch places with the main character, and then it's like we're the ones going on the adventure.

So what does any of this have to do with Arbiter? I doubt most authors ask themselves 'do I want to employ Mary Sue in this story?' when they sit down to write it. As it turns out, I DO find myself asking that. While I expect most people only find out what Mary Sue is after someone accuses them of it, I feel like I have one up by never having been stung by such an insult. Rather than deliberately avoiding her for fear of what others might think of me, I think I'll find a way to have some fun with her, instead. Let's face it; Mary Sue probably means different things to different people, so one way or another, somebody's gonna hit you with the term anyway.

Let's look at a creative example: Harry Potter. No, I don't think he's a Mary Sue (if he is, he isn't the worst one). Hogwarts is, though. Hogwarts may be one of the most easy-to-fantasize-about ideas ever conceived. It's safe to say a majority of its readers can relate to the magical feeling Harry feels the first time he boards that dumbass train, or shops in Diagon Alley. Each book treats us to a trainload of Mary Sue, but they do so with the setting, not the characters. The 'Unrealistic Consequences' that define Mary Sue are distributed freely to everyone in that world, and thereby, we aren't upset about one person who seems to be reaping an undue amount of rewards.

Using the term for a setting might be too liberal, though.

Or we could get cynical about things and have fun that way. What if we had a Mary Sue character who has all their dreams come true over and over again, but all the characters that the reader is supposed to sympathize with HATE the Mary Sue character for being a lucky asshole?

What if we made prolific use of 'Unrealistic Consequences' for only a specific character, and we even base that character on ME because I'm the author and I get to do whatever I want... but for a fun twist, we make all those 'Unrealistic Consequences' overwhelmingly negative. Nobody's done anything like that before, right?

It's so like me to ask such a question and then post a gif about a show famous for establishing a premise only to immediately beat it to death with a tire iron. Taste the chrome!

There's nothing reasonable about the things that happen to Frylock in this show.

Alright, that's enough of that. Ya'll feel like you have an idea about what Mary Sue is? Can ya identify any Mary Sues you've enjoyed, or more likely, can you name some you can't stand? Should it be avoided at all costs, or do we belong to the school of thought that says 'all fiction is Mary Sue!'? Are you angry with me for the distracting gifs yet? Let me know, you rat bastards.

Instant Closure! Going Out With A Bang (and then some)!

I'm not sold on this idea yet. I'm not sold on anything, that's why it's up for discussion, but this one in particular.

Have you ever been annoyed when a character seems to come back from the dead to save the day? I know I have. Especially if they were just playing 'possum or something. Usually there's some explanation for the occurrence, like they took some poison that mimics the state of death, but I still feel like it's a pretty cheap trick.

It's a little better if they were in an extremely perilous situation when we last saw them; we never saw them bleeding on the ground or had any real reason to presume they were dead. I can handle that. But when the author intentionally implies they're a corpse, but omg jk not really!, I feel like I've been nut-punted.

Rest well, sweet Concord. I'm sure he didn't forget.

So I'm thinking of taking that option away from myself. I'm playing with an idea I think I got from South Park, of all places. In the Walmart episode, Cartman posits that people always crap themselves when they die. Sure enough, everyone that dies in this episode (quite violently) craps themselves upon death.

Though the above execution is obviously crass, I think the technique is sound. I'm playing with the idea of 'to live is to use magic' I've cited a couple of times in the elemental profiles; the body is made up of all the different elements, thereby, our spirit (or our individual life element) is constantly wielding magic by keeping these elements together.

If we think of it that way, what might happen if we're killed, or perhaps even wounded? Say a warrior is sliced by a sword, what if the shock to the 'spell' that maintains our bodies causes a spray of sand (flesh to earth) and water (blood to water) instead of blood? And perhaps when a person dies, we see a more tangible passing; sparks of electricity might flicker from the eyes, vapor may rise from the flesh, air evacuates from the lungs and gut; there are many possibilities to showcase their 'soul's' loss of control over the body's elements, and these symptoms could help the reader be certain the character had died.

While I'm not writing specifically to (older) kids, I doubt I want to exclude them, so might this be a way to get around gore, too? I mean, we can't have a corpse immediately turn into sand and water; people eat meat in this world, which would be impossible if beasts disintegrated into mud immediately upon death. People will still bleed from wounds (only the initial cut involves a small amount of water and sand, because MAGIC!), a person will still leave a skeleton if they're left to rot. I just wonder if this might be a less-cheap (but still cheap, perhaps) way of using blades without having my Foot clan become robots. I mean, books have already gotten away with more violence anyway, so maybe I don't even need to worry about this factor.

All the same, what do we think? This is a gimmick, to be sure, but do we like it? Does it serve enough of a function (you'll know someone just died, so unless it was a look-alike, then Kenny just ate it) to warrant its inclusion? What famous 'dead-but-not-really!' moments caused you to ache in your nethers? If ya like the idea, how might the eight different elements (light, electricity, water, life, darkness, earth, air, and heat) flare up during somebody's death-throe? 

Feed for Fire, Starve for Cold: the Heat Element

We've finally come full circle to the final element, and a candidate for the most popular. Technically, it's heat energy, but most people will probably refer to it as fire magic, because that's the most obvious (and fun) application.

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Color: Red
Sin: Gluttony
Virtue: Passion

  Heat is an energy element, one that represents perseverance. The universe is mostly a cold place, and the natural order seems to suggest a cold future. Still, despite the odds, heat persists and strives to spread its warmth to its maximum potential.

  Heat constantly seeks and consumes fuel in order to maintain its crusade. It has an agenda, and in order to achieve its agenda, it ruthlessly amasses all the resources it possibly can. Something so obsessed with survival never hesitates to abandon morality the moment it becomes a burden, so fire and its wielders have developed a reputation for hatred, rage, and cruelty.

  The truth is different, of course. Like all the elements, heat possesses a full range of emotions. While each has its preferences, there is always a balance, and for all the hate and anger, there is an equal amount of warmth and charity. The flame's true nature is one of passion.

  The practical applications of heat are fairly obvious. Igniting a substance is a matter of appealing to the ambient heat in any environment, asking it to collect itself in the desired object. Likewise, cooling or even freezing a substance can be achieved by asking the heat to abandon it. They're invaluable for mundane tasks like food preparation or storage, but also potent in combat. Entire armies can be countered by a sudden wildfire or unexpected sub-zero temperatures on a summer night.

  While the methodology is often the same, the effects can vary wildly. For instance, if a wizard is given time with an organism, they can raise the temperature of appropriate organs or tissue to incite a variety of emotion. Intensifying focus, altering pain thresholds, exciting blood flow; heat sorcerers are known for their ability to seduce the opposite sex or enhance a warrior with a berserker rage.

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I've been pretty vague, I suppose, but as always, things depend on the environment. Plus, when we think magic, fire's probably one of the first things we think about. I'm not going to try too hard to reinvent this wheel, just perhaps explain its methodology a bit differently.

While the ubiquitous fireball spell will be harder in this series - you'd need a credible fuel to keep that flame burning, which means bringing resources or being a hybrid mage - there are plenty of other applications. Since heat is everywhere (ice is still 'hot' in Kelvin's terms), there is no such thing as an environment where a heat user would be neutered. He just may want to opt for ice in an arctic environment and fire in a tropical one. The obvious power and versatility is hopefully curbed by the cost. For instance, if you're concentrating the ambient heat to make a fire, you need to be mindful of damage you might do to the objects you're siphoning that heat from.

Once the wood is burning, it's true, you're generating more heat. If you're trying to survive a cold night, though, draining all the heat to ignite the log might mean you freeze to death before the fire can start paying your body dividends on that down payment. Or maybe you just neuter yourself; you might freeze a little bit of the Amazon into an ice blade or something like that, but you'd be using too much concentration to keep it solid to really wield it very well.

On a side note, two words: party favors. This guy must be a hybrid, prolly has a special bladder for storing propane.

So what we thinkin'? Does the allocation mechanic make sense? How could you see it being used in the field, in terms of combat, survival, or just plain vocation? Feel free to incorporate any hybrid requirements you want, as well. Also, for you chemists out there, what are some of the funner chemical reactions that occur at specific temperatures, or which materials have a particularly spectacular phase change (solid to liquid or whatevs)?

Transient Ingrate: the Air Element.

Aside from darkness, the physical elements have been harder to reimagine. I feel like I did some different things with water, but I'm not positive they were well-received, so we may end up rolling back to traditional on that. Anyhoo. Air!

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Color: Orange
Sin: Envy
Virtue: Persistence

  Air is a physical element, composed of all the gas-phased substances in the liquid water temperature range. It is a remarkably mobile element, always believing  it would be better off somewhere else than where it currently is.

  As air is everywhere, there's never a shortage of resources for an air mage, but novices sometimes feel discouraged over the perception that its uses are limited. Gases are invisible, so to the inexperienced, air seems to be a single, uniform substance, and therefore, progression in the school seems limited to how hard you can make the stuff blow.

  Once they learn how to differentiate between the many ingredients in the atmosphere, however, they begin to understand just how versatile their school can be. They can collect and sell the gases that compose any desired aroma, can control how much oxygen exists in a certain space, and can concentrate the ingredients that burn well or intoxicate breathers.

  Combined with the ability to summon hurricanes or tornadoes (with enough time to prepare them), air users have no shortage of applications. Hybrid wizards are even more unpredictable: an electrician might construct a windmill or manipulate the clouds in order to generate electricity, heat sorcerers can create fireballs or a freezing rain of liquefied gases, and those who can use both air and water can make wondrous new substances with different combinations of liquids and gases.

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Those of you familiar with Caesar Clown from One Piece will be familiar with the control of the different gases in our atmosphere. Aside from how much you can accomplish with the obvious 'control the flow' dynamic, the properties of the different air elements (nitrogen, hydrogen, etc etc) should give us plenty of options to play with. Like with water, manipulation of pressure could be pretty potent, too.

If all else fails, an air wizard could always start one of those indoor skydiving places.

Whatcha guys think? What else can you do with the atmosphere? Are there any other uses, besides the chemical and 'force of flow' application? Can we make some acoustic application, maybe? If not, what are some of the more interesting gases out there? Which ones are super heavy, super light, which will get me super high, and which are reactive enough to make some kind of super boom? And by all means, bring up farting, it's not like I could make it through an entire post about air without doing so...