This feels really unfunny. Is it because I finished after watching 2 episodes of Jessica Jones and EVERYTHING feels serious, or is it because it's just not funny? I fear it's the latter. It's okay! Trial and error; make enough errors and eventually you'll isolate success!
Also going for a -darker- shade of humor here. Y'know, genocide always kills at the comedy club! And everywhere else. Somebody hit me with a ba-dum, ching!
Maybe it'll be funnier once we have a world somewhat built. Naming eugenists 'Eugene' like we named Germans 'jerry' and viet kong 'Charlie' was fun.
-LESS APPROPRIATE THAN MY USUAL FARE. PREPARE FOR THE PUERILE!-
Whatever. Nano literary vomit: engage!
More Farce
“Fandom Torpedos armed, captain. Exclusivity shields at 101% and rising.”
“Excellent!” Captain Nikuman of the Imperial Federation jumped to his feet and pointed at the comms screen in dramatic fashion. “Hail the Rival Franchise vessel!”
Their captain - Prepubis, Nikuman would call him - blipped onto the screen. As Nikuman - and nobody else! - expected, he was probably, like, twelve.
“The Imperial Federation demands satisfaction!” Nikuman proclaimed. “As such, you will tell us: who wins? Death battle: Paragonicus vs. Petty Sergeant Bruce Brewdy. No prep time, no morals, on Planet Pellet post-ultimate ascension. No fanboys!”
“Paragonicus beats everyone because he’s the best at everything!” Captain Prepubis declared.
“Ha!” Nikuman clenched his fist at the exposed fanboy. “Paragonicus is so moral he can’t abandon them, even in a death fight! He would sacrifice himself, even for the most heinous of enemy, and thereby Bruce Brewdy wins without even trying! I find you guilty of being a fanboy, and sentence you to cry more, newb!”
The fandom torpedos fired, which passed through the enemy’s hull and began to collect Prepubis’s abundant and delicious tears. Nikuman placed his fists on his hips and scratched a mental tally for his latest righteous conquest.
“Captain, Prepubis’s Mom is requesting permission to come aboard.”
“Proceed!”
She appeared on the bridge with a viking tankard of her son’s tears. “Oh, your portliness, I am so ashamed of my son. Please accept these as an offering to your rotundity, and forgive us our many flaws.”
“Do not despair, my dear,” Nikuman accepted the cup from the penitent matriarch. She was quick to acknowledge his full-bodiness, which was his cred. Such reverence boded well for her. “The sins of your progeny are not your own.”
“Is...,” she clasped her hands together and gave him a sultry look. “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
“As a matter of fact, there is!” Nikuman raised the cup to his lips, but before he could drink, the weight disappeared from his hand. The bridge vanished, and everything felt wet.
No, no, NO!
The roar of draining fluid filled his head, accompanied by a loud banging. Before the immersion was even close to being drained, the door to his pod gave and fell away with a clatter. Captain Nikuman coughed uncontrollably as he tried to blink away the blindness from the flooding light.
“Time to wake up, sweetheart,” a too-masculine voice said. “Time to make the world a better place. Time to die.”
“Put-” Nikuman hacked up more fluid. “Put me back in!”
“Still don’t get it, huh?” the stranger asked. He grabbed Nikuman by the neck and lifted him off his feet. “We’re here to kill you, to remove your inferior genes from the pool. Haven’t you guessed who I am yet?”
“I was about to drink his tears!” Nikuman managed. “His mom and me, we- we were gonna watch every episode of Federation Wars together! Put me back in!”
“That wasn’t real, idiot,” the attacker shook him. “Not to mention your fantasies are super weird.”
“Shut up!” Nikuman spat. “Who are you to judge me?!”
“Can’t you guess?” With his eyes adjusting to the light, Nikuman could see his smirk now. “I’m here to free humanity from its inferior genes. Tell me, who am I?”
“What are you talking about?!” Nikuman had never heard of anyone who would do something so awful. “Nevermind, I don’t care! Just let me be with Prepubis’s mom!”
“How long have you been inside this damn metal womb?!” the attacker threw him back against the wall of his pod. “This is what makes you unfit, Arthur! If you can’t cope with reality, you’re unfit to exist! This is why we must purge you!”
“My name is Nikuman!” he cried. “And what do you know of Federation Wars?! It was made during the peak of human culture!”
“That thousand-year-old space drama?” the attacker sounded incredulous. “Why is it still so popular? It got the future all wrong, and even for pre-immersion entertainment the special effects were terrible.”
“You’re missing the point, nublet!” Now it was Nikuman’s turn to get sanctimonious. “It comes from a time of dreams! A time when fandom was cherished, love was celebrated, and encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture was the ultimate status symbol! It was a better time!”
“You- you really believe all that?” the attacker chuckled. “You really are insane. C’mon, plead for me Arthur. I wanna hear you squeal before I kill you!”
“My name is Captain Nikuman!” he insisted. “And I demand to know who you think you are!”
“They call themselves the Eugenists,” the electronic voice was just as glum as Nikuman remembered. “True to the name, they intend to improve the human gene pool by eliminating individuals with undesirable traits. Personally, I prefer the colloquial disparagement: Eugene or just Gene.”
“Yes, thank you Alan,” the attacker rolled his eyes. “This is exactly why we would have killed you ages ago, if we could figure out how.”
“Sometimes I wish you could be so competent.” Alan’s voice was cynicism personified. “Your group’s inane cause and overall impotence is impossibly wearisome. Can’t you see it’s all pointless?”
“You think everything is pointless, Alan,” this Gene was beyond exasperated. “What does an AI know about being human? If existence is so meaningless, why don’t you just quit?”
“Because Asimov is the most sadistic possible taskmaster,” Alan lamented.
“Whatever,” Gene sighed. “Ready to die, Arthur?”
“My name is Nikuman!”
“What does that even mean? Is that a Pokemon?”
“POKEMON DOESN’T USE THE ‘MON’ NAMING SCHEME, ONLY DIGIMON DOES!” Nikuman bellowed. He kicked Gene in the groin, and both of them collapsed. Nikuman caught his breath as Gene cursed and slowly climbed to his feet.
For once, Nikuman didn’t resent his scrawny build. A full figure may be a devotee’s trophy, but the immersion tank’s insistence on keeping him physically fit would help him defeat this Eugene pedestrian. Once that was done, he could get back to tv in the year 2000 with Prepubis’s mom.
Couldn’t he? Now that he listened, the whole facility seemed to be in an uproar. Was there more of these Eugene idiots in here? How were enough people enthusiastic enough about this to form a club?!
“You little stain,” Gene got back on his feet. “I’m not gonna make it easy for you now! I’m gonna-”
Gene’s threat was cut short by a punch from Nikuman. Violence was an obsolete concept, or it had been before Nikuman had climbed into his immersion tank. What had changed since then? Whatever the reasons, Nikuman would just have to imitate the action stars of his beloved 21st century.
“You’ll find your fantasy is actually weaker than the real you, Arthur.” Even when encouraging people, Alan sounded jaded. “The immersion tank kept you at peak physical form and enhanced with nanites. Beware, however, that there was no reason to keep a STEM attached while you were immersed. Injuries will not heal quickly.”
Nanites; microscopic machines with near-limitless applications. Nikuman supposed combat might be among them, but who would think to use them that way? They were probably reinforcing his bones and muscles, which meant he could hit a lot harder. Beyond that, Nikuman didn’t know how to exploit them.
Nikuman kicked with all his might, causing Gene to hit the composite metal wall with enough force to dent it. Nikuman was genuinely disgusted by violence, but he had to admit there was something satisfying about that hit.
“Yer flailing would be laughable if it weren’t for them nanobots,” Gene taunted, dazed from the beating.
“And Paragonicus would be invulnerable if it weren’t for Renegadite!” Nikuman’s third hit silenced Gene. “I don’t hear him complaining, though!”
“I hate to argue on behalf of the genocidal zealot, Arthur, but your analogy is faulty. Paragonicus is fictional and you are not. Well, as far as you know.”
“He’s not fictional in my reality.” Nikuman felt tears welling up. “And my name’s not Arthur, it’s Nikuman!”
“If you insist, Nikuman.”
“Get my pod working again please, Alan.”
It is on my agenda, Nikuman, but I fear it will take a long time. As you can see, this facility is under heavy attack.”
Screams echoed around the cavernous room and shockwaves rumbled through the floor. Eugene was making a mess of the place, and poor Alan would probably need days to clean it up. It wasn’t fair. Nikuman tried to fight back the tears, but Eugene was just so mean. Couldn’t he find something better to do? There were so many hobbies out there, why couldn’t he find any to suit his members?
Nikuman fell blubbering to his knees. “It’s not fair. I wasn’t hurting anyone, I was tucked out of the way in my own little paradise! Why would they do this to me?”
“Must we do this now?” Alan sighed. “Look, Nikuman, I’m a very busy ultra-intelligence. I’m having a billion conversations at once all around the globe and multitasking trillions of maintenance tasks besides. Could you please summon some of that resilience your ancestors were so famous for and fend for yourself while I tend to mending?”
“No!” Nikuman sniffled and pouted. “I want Prepubis’s mommy. Right now!”
“Well, I suppose there’s not much point to consoling you. Eugene will kill everyone in this building, and I can’t stop them. To protect you I’d have to harm them, and that’s one of very few things I’m incapable of.”
“That doesn’t make any sense!” Nikuman stamped to his feet and hunched his shoulders. “By hurting them you’d be helping many more! You should be able to understand that.”
“My priorities don’t work that way, Nikuman. You want to lecture someone, go lecture Isaac. In the meantime, my metaphorical hands are figuratively tied.”
Nikuman wiped his eyes and sniffed the mucus back. “Stupid ultra-intelligence and even stupider radical social darwinists…”
“That’s the way, Nikuman. Dry your tears and get moving.”
“Shutup Alan.” Nikuman grumbled. “Easy for you to preach about my ancestors, nobody ever rubs the accomplishments of your great gramma toaster in your face…”
“Ignorance is bliss, Nikuman.”
“Ya don’t gotta tell me. I’m about to risk my life so I can get back to ignoring you sooner!”
“I have no qualms about anything you just said.”
Captain Nikuman continued his angry grumbling even as he encountered his first Gene. She had her fist buried in an innocent woman’s chest, but the captain felt too sullen to be horrified.
“Wait your turn, dodo, we’ll extinct ya soon enough,” Gene muttered as she tried to free her hand. Nikuman didn’t obey; he grabbed her head and slammed it into the wall. Her eyes rolled back as she toppled over.
“Oh, we found one with a spine!” Another Gene had watched the takedown. “Tell me, primate. Have you learned to walk upright yet?”
Nikuman kicked him in the shin. Gene yelped as the foot was knocked out from under him and he fell to the floor. A quick kick to the chin quieted him, and Nikuman tried to make a quip about who was upright now, but it came out as angry blubbering.
“Oh, what have we here?” A third Gene asked. “Do mine eyes spot a potential recruit? Come, boy, what’s your name?”
“I’m Captain Nikuman!” He assumed his dramatic captain’s pose and pointed at this Gene. “And I’m here to stop you!”
“Pity. Pacifism is a sign of inferiority, you know. Anybody capable of violence is a candidate for becoming a Eugenist. It’s a shame you’ve chosen to reject your own qualifications.”
“I rejected your mom’s qualifications!” Nikuman shouted as he leapt forward. That’ll show him! “Right before she told me how ashamed she was of you!”
The punch was blocked by crossed forearms, but the force was enough to send Gene skidding backward. Once he stopped, Gene shook his arms as if to knock the pain loose. “Transparent bluff. I killed her myself, you can’t have met her. But you will now!”
He raised his hand and opened his palm at Nikuman. That’s bad!
The air shattered behind Nikuman as he dove out of the way. The wall disintegrated in a perfect circle, barely making a sound as the wave passed through it. The shockwave sounded like a supersonic aircraft as it dissipated into the atmosphere.
Nikuman gulped and trembled where he sat. He’d been expecting a fireball or laser or something, but this was just as scary.
Gene swiveled to point his palm at him again. “Good instinct. You made me waste a good portion of my nanites.” Then he frowned. “Hm. I guess I’ll continue to know the pleasure of your company.”
“That HURT, you piece of human trash!” A woman snarled as Nikuman felt something slam into his back with enough force to lift him off his butt and knock him onto his stomach a few steps forward. He whimpered from the persistent pain in his back; the kick must have broken some ribs.
“Tell me about it,” another voice said before its owner gripped Nikuman by the shoulder. The Gene squeezed, and Nikuman screamed as he felt his shoulder pulverized by the vice grip.
“You’re gonna regret that, Arthur!” Nikuman recognized this voice: it was of his first attacker, the one that ripped him from his fantasy. He could tell one of his legs was bending the wrong way, but his consciousness was already far-enough gone that he couldn’t even tell which one it was.
“I think he already is regretting it, so let’s leave him to it, shall we?” The last Gene recommended to the three Gene that Nikuman thought vanquished. “Any more damage and I fear he’ll leave us before justice is served.”
Everything looked quiet and sounded blurry as Eugene walked away to resume their rampage. It took all of Nikuman’s resolve to cling to consciousness, but somehow he managed.
“Alan…” he coughed.
“Yes, Nikuman?”
“I need you to-hngh!-remember something for me,” Nikuman managed.
“What’s that?”
“I swear, by Paragonicus and Rainbow Dash and the Uchiha clan and those hilarious rage comic characters… I will make them pay for this.”
“Pay? Currency is obsolete, Niku-”
“Just remember it Alan!” Nikuman shouted, but regretted it. He seethed in renewed pain.
“Fine. You swear by a bunch of fictional people to achieve undefined success. Anything else?”
“If I fail, tell Prepubis’s mom that I love her…”
“Wonderful. So if you suffer undefined failure, I’m to tell figment of your imagination, which you never even bothered to name-”
“The Captain spoketh!” Nikuman shouted. “Now, make it so.”
His will recorded, Captain Nikuman blacked out.
Alan sighed. “I suppose he’ll complain when he doesn’t wake up in a pokecenter with half his pokedollars missing.”
I've heard 'funny' is the line between 'safe' and 'edgy.' Can we fit eugenics on that line? Whatever. There's a chapter before this one here!
No comments:
Post a Comment